TRUMP: "So here's my news today. When we find Roman towns, they're just a pile of rubble, you know that already. So the news is, I bombed Al-Badhdadi's Syrian compound into rubble, making it into a brand new historic site, just like the Roman rubble. Maybe it's not a Roman site, maybe it's Greek, maybe it's something else, maybe it's old Norwegian culture, they'll have to research it, and I already found some experts to study what I've done, they are called 'primatologists,' and I guarantee it, these experts will prove how much I admire real science and true culture. So, any questions? Yes, you, I saw you on Fox & Friends by the way, congratulations. "

Trump says it's cultural site, maybe roman, maybe Norwegain, who knows
Trump says it's cultural site, maybe roman, maybe Norwegain, who knows

REPORTER #1: "Thank you, Mr. President. Are you sure they are primatologists, not archaeologists?"

TRUMP: "Yes, I was expecting that question, they were some archaeologists here, they said they were experts but I don't think they are, they are fake. They were complaining my military actions were destroying valuable scientific evidence of of old cultures. Well now the bombed rubble I made is scientific evidence that a culture used to live here, everyone agrees on that, so that proves the archaeologists wrong, and they are not experts after all. So I'm not letting the archaeologists study my rubble, and if they want my help, they shouldn't criticize me, that's called BAD NEGOTIATION! On the other hand, the Primatologists say they can learn alot by studying what I do, at first I didn't know much about them, so I agreed to meet them, and we had McChicken nuggets together while they asked questions, and they weren't rude to me like the archaeologists, so I am giving the rubble to the primatolgists instead. They are clever scientists too, amazing people, very polite, amazing! They explained they are especially good at primate education, so that's why I appointed them because they will help young children especially, and we have to make more primate education for young children. I always appoint people with good qualifications, and I won the election, people keep ignoring that, they said I wouldn't but I won, so that proves I know all about cultural things like educating Syrian children about their history. So I'm also putting Betsy DeVos in charge of this primate education, because she's given lots of money to culture, every one should be generous like her, be sure to mention that. Next question. "

REPORTER #2: "You're very smart to know that it's a historical site in advance, Mr. President, but the archaeologists are still saying it's fake. How did you know that it's a real historic site?"

TRUMP: "Real history is important. Fake news says I am wrong because they don't really care about history the way I do, I care about Spielberg finding Troy, for example, but they keep saying I'm wrong, but I know about archaeology too, I learned about it in primate school. They're making it up, and they only call my site fake because they are part of the witch hunt. The witch hunt says I don't care about culture or history, but I'm even going to prove it's a witch hunt, because, now pay attention, I'm going to prove I'm keen on culture by building a casino here too. Normally I negotiate making hotels with other governments, but this time it's cultural, so I'm making a casino to make it even more cultural. If Syria wants to negotiate, I'm very good at negotiation, and if they want a casino at the cultural site I made, maybe I will make it even better that way, because that helps everything, science, culture, even the Syrian government will be better off with a real casino. Next question."

REPORTER #3: "Yes, your Moscow hotel plans also helped with international relations, thank you again Mr. President. {Trump smiles broadly.} With respect to international relations, exactly how did the Syrian government react to your offer of building a casino?"

TRUMP: "It's the same as Russia. That's classified. What I can tell you is, because every one should know this, and the Syrian government doesn't know anything about casinos for some reason, I'm very good at running casinos. Next. No, not you, you're rude. Counting off your fingers like that won't make any difference, I told you it's classified, you are rude, rude, rude! Sit down and shut up like I told you. If you do it again I won't let you in my press conferences any more. Next. You. Be quick, I'm running out of time. Yes you, the one I'm pointing at."

REPORTER #5: "Will building a casino disturb any historical evidence?"

TRUMP: "Probably you don't know like I do about evidence. I know what evidence is, so I made this site, to be more specific, and obviously you don't know this. It's the experts to decide about historical evidence while I build a casino over it. That's what you don't understand. I made it. All there was here before was a poor village, and I made a real cultural site. And the expert primatologists will decide. PRIMATE-OLOGISTS. That's what's they're called, and they are real scientists, not fake. I don't have more time on that. Last question. "

REPORTER #6: "What happens to the people who used to live here?"

TRUMP: "I don't hate them, I love people, in fact I'm going to help them, and the first thing I have to remind them is that they don't have mortgages any more. Trump Bank has repossessed thousands of homes in the USA, you know, because they were all bad, they didn't pay my bank, so I understand about this, they all used to have mortgages and now they don't, and they should feel very lucky about that. And I'm going to do even more. They will work in my casino if they want, and it will be good for the economy, and they have the choice, they didn't have the choice before, now they can choose to work in my casino, but I will say, they should because my casino will be good for Syria. My bombing is good for the tourist business too. I bombed it, I made a cultural site, now people will collect my rubble, and tourists will come to see my rubble. I want people to come here, and we will have a big beautiful primatology center where tourists can learn about the rubble I made, and the Syrians can gamble in my casino, and that's how I make America great again, with cultural improvements like this. Real culture! Ok that's enough. "

{Trump turns and walks towards Air Force One. Reporters shout more questions.}

TRUMP (Shouting over jet noise): "No, I can't tell you where I will make another cultural site! If I tell people where I am going to bomb, then the bad people leave, so what's the point? What's that? Civilian Evacuation?? Why evacuate the historical site, then there isn't any history left in it?! That's what stupid people do! If I let them evacuate the civilians they wouldn't find any Romans, would they? So I can't tell you where I will bomb next, obviously. Don't be so stupid! Really? Evacuation? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Good bye."

LEGAL NOTICE: Per laws of public and eminent domain, notice is hereby given than only Presidential tweets are official records, and additionally, pursuant to Constitutional decrees of Presidential Privilege, Official Secrets and National Security, the 45th President and Commander in Chief, Donald Trump, is entitled to declare that any other transcripts must be regarded as hearsay or fake, especially records of financial deals in other nations, even if they are only conducted to improve international relations, including, [Count 1]: a Moscow hotel; [Count 2]: military staff staying at the Commander in Chief's hotel in Scotland for triple normal rates; [Count 3]: Any future or past Trump family properties in the USA or abroad, including: Trump Towers and Hotels in Turkey, Canada, Panama, South Korea, India, Scotland, Ireland, and United Arab Emirates; and Trump Bank, Trump University, casinos, office buildings, fashion businesses, beauty pageants, TV franchises, golf recreational facilities, and real-estate rentals and sales and other business services--whether operated or controlled by Donald Trump, Trump family in the Administration, campaign donors in the Administration, or court appointees including the Supreme Court, and [Count 4]: any negotiations with other nations, fiscal or otherwise, regarded by the 45th President and Commander in Chief as confidential, including but not limited to any military and any fiscal or any other negotiations with Russia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Israel, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Canada, Mexico, Guatemala, Panama, Venezuela, North Korea, South Korea, India, Scotland, Ireland, all NATO alliance members, the Ukraine, and China.